Importance of Being Vulnerable

As I have matured and learned Sound Helaing Methods like Biofield Tuning and Usui Reiki, I have uncovered much in myself (and it seems that life will continue to uncover these moments) of past emotional trauma. The more I work, the more love and compassion I feel for how tough it is to be alive today.  The simple daily accomplishments of times past are no longer viewed as important or worthy.  We are expected to do so much every day on our own: be financially successful, run a household, raise children and manage to fix and maintain all the gadgets that allow one to be super human…how intimidating!

Feeling super independent is a gift but also a curse because I never asked anyone for help. I believed it was up to me to grow up, leave my family, and create a whole new life for myself.   I had friends but never thought that I would include them in helping me be successful.  I never asked for help with laundry if I was sick, asked for help with meals if I were buried at work, asked for help with the car if it was broken, or admitted I didn’t know how to do something.  What a recipe for disaster!

I felt completely unsupported and separate from my family, and yet never included my friends in asking for support either.  Much of this was self-imposed and the energetic imbalance shows up all over the physical body. My back would hurt, and I would unconsciously hunch over in a self-protective stance that hurt much by then end of the work day.  The area for feeling supported energetically and spiritually is the back. I judge others who received help from their families to be weak, while also feeling jealous of their team of support.   As I got older I happily helped a sick friend but never asked for the same.  That was such an imbalance.  I just couldn’t let them see me be “weak.”  That belief was deep, and I didn’t even know it was there. 

During the first session in Biofield Tuning, the amount of work done in the Sacral chakra that ties in with shame was tremendous.  My lower back and right hip were constantly hurting me at the time.  I had no idea how many limiting beliefs were stored there and locking me in a painful position of thinking I had to do too much all the time. My detox after the session was pretty intense, but I was so amazed at how light I felt.  I could stand straight and tall easily and my digestion was excellent.  My right hip did not hurt anymore.

With learning about the anatomy of the energy field around the body and where we store things emotionally, I have learned a great deal about our culture and how weird it is.  We are taught to value being alone and not sharing, as community living prevents material gain.  I valued being strong and silent.  I valued helping others, but I never valued asking for help.  The imbalance is super clear to me now.  I was being superhuman.  I didn’t allow anyone to see my humanity.  Being independent so fiercely, I cut myself out from a stronger network of support. I rarely would even ask my kids to help me.

Allowing myself to be open is still hard for me, but I see how important and empowering it is.  When I ask for my kids to help me, I give them room to be a provider.  They feel super empowered to help with even little things. This gives them space to grow.  Same for my friendships, it is as important to give as it is to receive.  I understand that now on so many energetic and physical levels.

Feeling supported can come from not only my immediate family, but also from my surroundings. The Earth beneath my feet supports me,  cleans the water to drink, nourishes food to eat, the sky provides air to breathe, and the sun to grow food.  All of this supports me and helps to keep my physical body balanced, as well as my energy body and spirit body. Once I understood this, I realized that even without family being present physically, one can experience support. We have true abundance at this time.  Basic physical needs are so easily met and that is worthy of gratitude and acknowledgement day to day.  Love and gratitude is such a balancing and empowering feeling.  Take breaks today to express love and gratitude for all that is around you…and you will feel the difference.

 

Anger all around

As I go deeper into understanding my emotional signature, I understand more of my favorite movie as a kid.  “Why are you so venom and mean?” The Princess Bride will always be one of my most favorite movies for the magical lines of wisdom scattered throughout. It is time for us all to collectively peel off the anger and walk with it for a while.  Why are we so venom and mean? Ultimately it is because we are hurting.  We are all separate and more alone now than ever.  Computers and phones are fast replacing our real-time friends.  But now more than ever the importance of self-reflection before lashing out is paramount as face to face time grows less in our computer age.

My journey to understand my emotional reactions stems from my desire to be a healthy role model for my children.  I wish for them to have the tools to fly out from my nest and navigate the rocky terrain.  I hope to be able to show them that hurts do not have to be permanent damage.  My goal is to become well and have tools to process emotions so that I can teach them to do the same for themselves.

My family unit was broken as a child because my parents were broken.  Lash outs were pretty constant and the fear of being yelled was ever present and shaped how I stepped out into the world.  My father was never really seen by his father who was angry and lashed out at him often.  My father did the same and hated himself for it. My mother was distant as I became a teenager, consumed by her unhappiness and feeling alone. Tools to process emotions were not very available, but luckily I had no access to drugs or alcohol. I just surrounded myself with good friends.  Once I was out in college my motivation slipped.  I saw people who were so present and happy and comfortable with everyone.  They were magical.  I wondered how they stepped out into the world that way.  What was their magic?  Hunch-punch?  That beer? I tried it all on a quest to be the magical person who could captivate others…and then I learned to love me.

Self-love was there for certain parts of myself.  My smile, long hair, my love of glitter and all things colorful, helped me to feel certain of my value being somewhere in the middle.  The “bad” parts of me I tried to exercise or exorcise away…until I met my husband.  He helped me to love all of me. And then we had children.

A whole new level-up occurred in self-discovery.  The ages of my daughter helped me to realize the ages of myself that I judged the most as “bad” truly started at age 8. I found myself angry at her without any justification.  I found myself judging her and saying things that I would never want to say…until I sat with that anger and judgement.  Where did it come from?  I looked deep at myself and saw it all came from me and how I hated those awkward stages-in myself.  I released my mom from resentment for not being the loving guide to hand me all the tools I needed (who can really do that anyway?) and I learned how to do it for myself.  I visited all my younger selves and showered them in love as I looked back at those awkward moments…and I healed.

Now I look at anytime I feel anger as an opportunity for self discovery.  It truly is peeling the layers of an onion, (my oldest daughter is 10, I can’t wait to see what age 14 will push forward for me to heal-insert scared face here). Recently I was trying understand why I’d get so angry when cooking dinner in the kitchen.  My husband prefers to be alone cooking but I get angry.  In comes the realization I want to spend time with my girls and resent them being off in la la land with their screen.  I want to be included.  But not inside.  Inside is my kryptonite after working in an office all day.

So now, sometimes, my daughter makes sandwiches while I get the campfire going outside.  Sometimes I am OK with peanut butter and jelly for dinner.  Sometimes I just need to let go of judgement and let it all go as we spend time in the yard.  Outside is where I can feel balanced and free.  I am working hard to be as present and honest as I can be in order to help my kids grow in a balanced way to step out into the world whole.  Sometimes I just have to go outside and let it all go…and now I understand the beauty of the simple sayings.

I challenge all of you to dig deep when you get angry and look at what you are hiding.  Take your anger for a walk outside and see to what it is you need revisit with love and say “as you wish”  because really, all we need is love…self-love is all we need.