Importance of letting go

In the last few years I have been working to heal my body from many different perspectives, using Reiki, acupuncture, aromatherapy, Sound therapy, yoga, and herbs. All these methods have improved my digestion, reduced my eczema, healed my annual winter bronchitis, and allowed for me to identify and release stress so well in my every day life. Even still certain imbalances remained, which made me realize a deep underlying belief or emotional pattern still needed to be released, but what more was needed?

I was working towards building my own healing practice, creating safe places to share and learn techniques, spread the word of my methods, and yet I knew I was stuck, something was holding me back from complete healing…some eczema remained, slow digestion would flare-up, eating wheat would take me days to be able to feel again what foods nourished me. So clearly some aspect of emotions, spirit, and energy were still out of alignment with my well-being.

Despite working to build my own practice in healing arts, I kept my job from my mid-twenties, where I earned my certification in Ophthalmology as an assistant and mastered many skills. A huge part of me felt the need to continue earning steady income to support my family while I also attempting to spread the word of my practice. What I didn’t acknowledge was the stress, frustration, and hectic pace of my anchor job took days of healing work for me to center and rebalance.

So in my spare time, on evenings and weekends, I made space for my healing work. A part of me felt I needed to quit the old job to make space for the new, but first I needed at least three clients a week. I could have more time later once I proved my success, I believed. This left me no time for my family. They were left with an exhausted Mom, who was spent and irritable. How healthy was that?

When I found out I was pregnant a few months ago, I was relieved, now I could quit my anchor job without regrets. Now I could focus on a baby, my family, and my healing arts job without feeling guilty. Now I could do what I needed, but first I would have to work the whole pregnancy to save money. I could take care of me and nourish me then once I was staying at home with the baby…right…always in the future.

The real question I had to ask myself why did I not feel I could quit this job? Why was I holding on to it? Why did I not feel safe and supported enough to focus on a nourishing practice and my family? They were needing the attention from me, but I was placing them down on my list…and this was never my intention. My community I have created is loving and supportive, my family wanted me to put my efforts into my healing arts practice, and the only piece left that did not harmonize with my path was working in such a stressful, unappreciative environment 4 days a week. And yet I faltered.

The day before my first ultrasound at 10 weeks I began cramping and bleeding. I knew something was wrong. I called out from work for the first time in years, and I tended my body completely for two days. The ultrasound confirmed what I already knew. I had a miscarriage. Relief and sadness washed over me in alternating waves over the next several weeks and then slower and deeper the next few months. I tended to my emotions, while pushing myself to show up to my old job everyday. I neglected my body, eating ice cream, drinking wine to unwind in the evenings. Eczema flared up in my face, no longer just on my foot where I could hide it. I gained ten pounds, then lost five, then gained ten. My digestion was slow and then too fast. Everything felt off.

Reiki helped me tremendously during this time. My friend Kelli McConnell has made space to start her own practice from her home in Athens. I saw her weekly at first. The balance and restored energy was incredible. The eczema was stubborn though and after another stressful week at work flared up again 4 days later. I turned to my friend Kathryn Gillet for her healing work with acupuncture. This provided me with another huge shift and restoration of my health. My digestion was smooth and efficient. I could even eat meat with no tummy troubles. Yet the eczema remained on my face.

I finally I saw that continuing to work at my old job, where my boss yelled at me -or whomever- when he was frustrated was not helping. He tossed his anger around like darts, and he was not safe. He represented the last challenge for me.

What I finally realized was that I was hoping to change my boss. His anger issues mirrors that of my father and I wanted to help him. I was staying with the goal (not aware that this was my underlying hope) of helping him to see the importance of laughter and the value of a good team, working hard and having fun did not have to be mutually exclusive. Once I saw clearly what I was doing, then I finally saw how I was hurting myself.

I am worth healing. I deserve to feel safe and not allow someone to yell at me and treat me poorly. Staying in this environment, I was giving permission to be treated badly. I finally saw that I had the power to revoke permission. I turned in my notice that following Monday. I needed to focus my energy towards my own dream and my own goal 100% and why not right now? Tomorrow is not guaranteed so it’s important to enjoy today.

After this so much deep healing has occurred…I finally released the last block to my healing, I let go of my old job. I let go of familiar and guaranteed money. And now I am making space for my dream…my digestion is efficient, I am in-tune with the nourishing needs of my body. I can walk in my garden and snip the herbs that will heal me without hesitation…my eczema is fading, my clothing fits comfortably again. I feel the bright, shiny, radiant power of balance. I am supported. I feel destined and safe. I let go of familiar and made room, and that space has allowed me to heal.

Hello world, I am ready.